February 22, 2012

Life is not all sunshine and rainbows

Hello, everybody! Hope you're all having a great week. This post will probably end up being longer than planned (and very boring to most of you, as well). I've been long debating with myself whether I should write such post or just keep these words for myself. I actually went as far as writing a bunch of things, but never had the courage to push "publish". It is not my intention to be a downer, because this is a happy space and we all have problems, right? At the same time, I consider some of you my real friends and so, I feel I want to tell you that not all is sunshine and rainbows in my life right now. I'll try not to be too whiny, because I hate whiners, don't we all? Hehe.

Anyway, the thing is, as most of you already know, I've been stressing out about being jobless. I got my green card in September and I've been looking for a job since then with no luck at all. These past few weeks, the feeling got worse; there were a few sleepless nights where I felt I had to solve some kind of unfathomable puzzle, followed by weekends where I slept for hours and hours. After this much time, I think I've realized why this is such a big struggle. The problem is not being jobless per se, but not being able to be me. See, I've always been very independent and able to get over real big problems: getting by without my father's help ever since he got the stroke (although to be fair, I had my mom when that happened, so the burden fell on her more than anybody else), paying off a mortgage after losing my mom and having to leave my sick dad to move here. 

Not having a salary is a real problem, too, but I have a loving husband who puts a plate of food on our table every day. If anything, you can even see my situation as a privilege; she doesn't have a job, but she's not starving and has all the time in the world for herself, right? Well, it's not that simple and this is rotting me inside. As I was saying, what's killing me is the fact that I don't feel like myself anymore. My job as an English teacher was more than a job, it was my source of independence and it made me happy. It was certainly not perfect, but I know I was quite good at it; not because I knew more than my peers because that wasn't the case, but because I was good at spotting my students' needs, I spent a good amount of time trying to make my classes interesting, fun and worth going and I never game up on anybody. Every classroom I was in made me a stronger person, because when you're leading a class filled with professionals you have to be confident, speak with foundation and tackle any doubt or question without hesitation. And let's face it, it's not the best job for such a shy and anti-social person like me. However, I got the hang of it and loved to be listened to and respected.

I am a hard-working person. I like to try to excel at work and have never taken any job for granted. Occasionally, I had bad days and had to deal with people I couldn't stand, of course, but, all in all, I loved my job. I know I am not a scientist or someone who will ever win a Nobel Prize, haha, but I took pride in what I did. 

That was taken away from me the day I moved to the States. And that is the reason why I no longer feel like myself. Don't get me wrong, I do not regret having left my country; I am a very happy person and consider to be very lucky as well. I married my better half, I love him and I love spending every single day with him; I'd make the same decision over and over. It's just that I feel off-balance and it kills me that people here cannot see what the real me is like. I get the feeling they probably see me as a lazy-ass bastard, you know.

Believe me, I'm not a picky bitch. I applied for entry level jobs at Walmart, Pet Smart, Target and a zillion other companies, but I always get the same reply: They have chosen to pick a candidate that is better qualified for the position. And I get it; I have no sales experience, it's true. Here, nobody knows me and I am not even given the chance to show them how hard-working I am. I'd love to get a job at the library where I volunteer, but unfortunately, there aren't any openings. Some people have even suggested trying to look for lower jobs, but that just breaks my heart; not because it'd make me less of a person, hell, no! But because I feel I'd be giving up too much and I've already had to give up a lot to come here, does it make any sense?

You know how they say you need to hit rock bottom to be able to start anew? Well, I hope this was rock bottom, because I now feel ready to really pick myself up up, dust myself off and start all over again. So, don't worry about me, I'm feeling much better and eager to make the most of my messy self ;).

Oh, my! This has been the longest post ever! Thank you if you've made it this far! I really appreciate your being there and every single comment and e-mail that I get. I was hesitant to write about what's on my mind, but then again, I've met so many wonderful people through this little blog of mine that I thought, Why not? If anything, the other only thing that makes me happy is having a blog and knowing that you're right there :). I apologize if this was a downer, but again, thank you for hearing me out!

Hope you're all having a great week! ;D


Heike said...
and you'll find a job I am sure! Just keep looking. I was struggling myself after I left MY country to start a new life in the States! But if I can make it you can make it too!

lissa said...

you sounded just like me when I was unemployed. I think the waiting that is the worst but I'm sure you'll find something. perhaps not right away but I think you're the kind of person that rarely gives up. I wish you luck on your job hunt and many happy days just hanging about.

Carrie said...

Hugs I am so sorry you are feeling this way I completely understand I went from being a social worker working over 40 hours a week...looking for a job for over a year getting one as a part timer at the library (I do love my job) but it was really hard on me I just felt useless at times... you are on my mind things will work out!


chantilly said...

i've been wondering where you've been at, sweet girl. it seemed like you hadn't posted in forever, and i was concerned by your last email.

i'm so sorry you've been so stressed. i completely understand feeling like you've lost your mojo without your old job. but you ARE you... just for being here, walking around this earth!

sometimes, we have to let go of the things we can't control. when our minds are not so busy with worry, we can see things more clearly, and other people also see us more clearly. and this usually reslults in getting us to the things that we seek faster.

maybe this makes no sense, but every time i've adapted an attitude like this, things change in my life for the better. i know your circumstances are not ideal, but just trust that this is where you need to be right now, and it WILL get better. you will find something eventually!

luv you, girl. do something nice for yourself tonight. xoxo

vero mariani said...

bonita! este es tu espacio, y nosotras te adoramos! ya te respondo el mail... pero pilas, acariciaste el fondo y ya estás en cuchillas para juntar fuerzas y despegar para arriba :) beso enorme! said...

I know exactly how you feel - my bf is also struggling to find a job. He has 20 years experience and a new degree. He's always under or over qualified etc. Although he has my wage coming in, he is stuck without his own independence and without his own life. I come home in the evening and sometimes I'm the only person he has spoken with all day! I have told him that life works out in a certain way and he will get the job he is meant to have. So will you. One day a job will come along, even if its not the ideal one. But it will happen the way it is meant to happen! Good luck!

Miss Celanius said...

Te iba a comentar en inglés dps de leer todo el post también en inglés, pero es más fácil en español :P (BTW creo que es la primera vez que comento).

Entiendo lo que contás porque lo vivo (no en carne propia, mi novio está en una situación parecida...) Ojalá que pronto salga algún trabajo genial en el que te sientas a tus anchas! Cruzo los dedos desde acá, sé que no es fácil la espera pero algo llegará!

Un beso!

Unibell said...

try odesk :) I made some money that way. Create a linked in account and add recruiters from all over. I worked at an HHRR company and I know they are looking. Linked in and monster. Those are good! Also, a good professional resume is KEY!

Coquis said...

Hey Miki!
I'm really sorry you're feeling blue because of this situation...
I'll send you an e-mail now, ok?

Jenna (SewSavoirFaire) said...

Hello my beautiful Miki! I had a feeling you were feeling down.

Just know that no matter what the will always be you even if you're cloaked in a bit of doubt and're still in there.

You know, even with some sales experience, I've tried to get part time jobs at the same places you've applied and I didn't get a call back. A freaking part time job. I've applied at full time jobs that I was perfectly qualified for and I've gotten the "we've chosen another person better qualified" response. I know it's a downer. is another site, you may have already tried it, you could volunteer at animal shelters. They have jobs open up and usually look to volunteers to fill them. I used to volunteer at a local shelter and they always went to the people within before they posted the positions publicly.

I guess it's just another one of life's obstacles that we have to get through but I know you will!


Chrissy said...

Oh, Miki, now I know why you have been so absent lately. I am so sorry, sweetie! I really hope things will get better, I know how hard it is, I have been in the same situation. But I'm sure you will find something!
Enjoy your trip to celebrate your first wedding anniversary, I'm sure it will keep your mind off of things!
Hugs xxx

Blue Eyed Night Owl said...

I think it's great that you got it off your chest. Not feeling like you can be yourself is a big problem indeed, but I'm sure you will find a way out of this again.
Perhaps you could even create your own job. I don't know if this is possible at all, but could you perhaps start teaching English to people from other countries?

And there are some similarities between sales and teaching I am sure, did you point those out on your applications? If you tell them that in a super logical way, they could be more likely to consider you. I'd hire a teacher over a teenages with a little more sales experience any day.

Then again I don't live in the US and have never had to apply for a job there.

Anyway, thanks for being so honest and I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world:)

lisa said...

Hi Miki!
You should always feel like you can share what's going on in your life, good or bad. This is your space and we are your friends, here to see what's going on with you! This is such a hard time for so many people to find jobs- don't be hard on yourself or take it personally. You've accomplished so much in the last year and you should definitely be proud of yourself- I totally admire your adventure! Have a WONDERFUL anniversary trip and I will be sending you good thoughts!!

Vero Pasman said...

miki where do you live??